Between Heaven and Earth

    Someone recently asked me to write the story of me life in 15 words or less. I did, with much effort, and it was a fun and very interesting exercise. I bet the idea even excites you now, and you have most likely paused in reading this blog to think what you yourself would answer. The reason I am telling you is that my answer to this question is very telling about my personality and my life struggle, and is a good example of the constant struggle I face between finding happiness in my daily life and being drawn to explore something new. My answer to the question was, "Really mom, what were you thinking, personal responsibility, wrong path, wrong path, wrong path, God." The reference to my mother aside, the wrong path portion of my life story pays tribute to my journey to find God, and in that my journey to find happiness.

    One of the most true statement that can be made about me is that I have a driving desire for self exploration and knowledge. I demand honesty from myself in an almost neurotic way. This characteristic has caused some painful realizations, and tested me to my limit, but it has also provided a very strong foundation for my self esteem and more importantly has made me realize what is really important to me, what I want out of this life.

    I spent most of my life going back and forth between men, jobs, majors, friends, hobbies, music, and favorite foods. Just when I would settle on one thing, another would have an irresistible appeal and I would act accordingly. I became addicted to the feeling of "new." I made plans but didn't follow through, I had dreams, but would find myself off the path towards those before even realized it. One day I looked back on my life and realized that I had lived enough lives for a dozen people, and was still stuck nowhere in my own. I hadn't really accomplished anything, I didn't have any stability. I didn't like this reality, I didn't like what I had become. But I didn't know how to change it.

    Then I heard God. I mean, I didn't actually hear his voice or anything. No miracles, no blinding light, no angels appearing before me to show me the errors of me way. But I heard Him. It was subtle. In fact I didn't even recognize that it was happening. I found myself surround by religious friends, I began asking questions, having discussions, arguing my liberal points of view. I was intrigued and curious and began absorbing as much information about God as I could. And then one day I was different. I felt different, I saw the world different, I wanted different things.

    I like to compare that day to an early scene in interview with a vampire. When Tom Cruz's character turns Brad Pitt's character into a vampire, and Brad Pitt looks around with his vampire eyes for the first time. Everything is different, he feels different, colors are different, the taste of food has changed. This is what it was like for me. Without all the creepy blood sucking stuff.

    In this change I lost my constant desire for "new." Yes I still have goals, I still have dreams. But I have found a peace in my life that has settled me. I understand my purpose, and consequently am no longer running around looking for it in all the wrong places. I am at home here, and I am comfortable here, and this has given me all the tools I need to fly as high as I would like and actually reach my goals.